By Kristen Tornoe
Christmas has never been my favorite holiday, but I made a conscious decision to enjoy all the festivities this year. Being the dummy I am, I immediately thought tasting fruitcake for this column would be a terrific idea.
Well, I’ve never been a huge fan of dried fruits, but if I was going capture the Christmas spirit, I should at least try this timeless dessert. I’ve made jokes about fruitcake like most people, but I had to give this bad penny of the holiday season a fair chance of being tasty.
So, I picked one up at Harry & David and thanked my lucky stars they didn’t charge by the pound. The sweet lady who worked there defied common sense told me that people really love their fruitcake, and a customer of hers even soaks it in rum for added flavor.
I let the stereotypes play mind games with me and that brick sat in my fridge for a few days before I mustered up enough nerve to take my slice.
First off, this is not something for those who count calories. Just a quarter of this confection has almost 500 calories. Pretending I knew what I was doing, I bravely took my smallish chunk and sniffed it, prolonging the inevitable. It smelled a lot like carrot cake and for a minute I was hopeful. Carrot cake is divine. Exhibiting my stupidity again, I took a nice big bite out of my slab and began to chew. I immediately regretted my decision.
The cake part was alright, but the proportion of cake to fruit and nuts is small. Have I mentioned I hate dried fruits? Finding my mouth full of them was the first clue this was a bad way to celebrate Christmas. I couldn’t bear taking another bite, so I dissected the rest of it and just ate all the pecans.
By the time I was done, it looked like my plate was full of reindeer turds and I had to fight the urge to use this as proof that Christmas sucks. After all, I am going to love this holiday even if it kills me, which the fruitcake almost did. I should have soaked it in rum, if the alcohol didn’t help the flavor at least I’d be too drunk to remember.
Kristen Tornoe is a humorist and the co-owner of Punchline. Reach her at firstname.lastname@example.org.