After being picked last during my entire school career, I had no choice but to develop a healthy disdain for team sports. After all, you have to be a dependent sheep of a person to participate in activities that require you to work well with others. I am far too independent and uncoordinated to have the desire to play on any kind of recreational team, but I do run. Some elitists may not consider running a sport, but for me, I’d rather be the best at exercise than deal with annoying aspects of sports, like teammates.

By no means do I have a runner’s body or the ability to actually move quickly, but I improve bit by bit each year so it doesn’t feel like my efforts are for naught. You have to keep perspective when it comes to running because you’re only competing against yourself. If you compare your progress to other people and don’t get depressed, well, you must have levels of denial undreamed of by the human imagination.

When I go home to visit my parents, I like to keep my dad abreast of my progress. When I brag about beating my 40-minute mile pace, my father is always supportive, even after he finished a 20-mile training run for his next marathon without breaking a sweat. Personally, I would be embarrassed if my kid had my kind of work ethic when it comes to running, but fortunately for my family, I have a different last name and live out of state.

I’ve spent plenty of time around real runners, heard their stories and even read some of their books. It seems to me that they have it mostly wrong and if they followed my prescription, they’d feel better. Forget the saying “no pain, no gain.” Pain is bad. You’d have to be crazy to take up an activity because you enjoy feeling your body fall apart like you’re some kind of rotting Picasso. That’s why I give myself a month or two to recover from each run. If I keep this up, I’ll shave off a minute from my pace by the time I’m able to retire.

To ensure I maintain an interest in running, I created the 40/85 Rule: Thou shalt not run when it’s colder than 40 degrees or warmer than 85. Basically, only run from March through May and September through November. I run for comfort.

Nothing is more uncomfortable than running when it’s cold. I end up sweating and freezing at the same time, and my nose feels like it’s going to fall off from inhaling so much cold air. I’ve been told I’d look too menacing running around wearing a knit ski mask. As long as I don’t take a route near a bank, I should be fine, right? Even when I go back inside, I feel like someone just punched me in the face, since Mother Nature will make sure your extremities come as close to freezing solid as possible.

When it’s 85 degrees, you’ll feel like it’s 105 and those temperatures are found in heat waves. If you can break a sweat just by sitting and breathing, why on earth would you push yourself further to move? No matter how little clothing you wear, it’ll still feel like you’re wearing a down parka. Anyone willing to throw on a pair of sneakers can be considered a runner and no one needs to see them scantily clad to stay cool. Normal people have way too many parts that flop around when they move.

You may think, “..but don’t real runners train all year-round, despite the weather?” You’re probably right, but I never made my goal to become a real runner. The more you run the more likely you are to hurt yourself. Real runners go to chiropractors and podiatrists, while I have all my joints in tact. I think future 75-year old Kristen will thank me. Besides, the less you run, the longer your sneakers will last. Good running shoes are expensive, so you want them to survive as long as possible.

Music is a must when you’re running. It’ll help you keep your pace and, instead of being alone with your thoughts to contemplate why you can’t kick your addiction to mayonnaise, music provides entertainment. Most importantly, music will drown out your wheezing and heavy breathing because running can be friggin’ hard. If you can’t hear your strained breath, maybe no one else can hear the sound of your lungs being ripped from the inside.

Running isn’t only a physical activity, it’s mostly mental. As much as you need to train your body to physically endure it, you need to train your mind to accept it as your new passion. You’re brain will fight you. It will tell you that it’s too hard or you’re too slow. First, it’ll try to talk you out of continuing. Be warned, if you ignore that nagging voice in your head, your brain will physically make you stop by pulling the emergency brake, giving you a Charlie horse until you comply. That’s why you need to ease into the activity.

Trainers always talk about the mind/muscle connection, so think about running before you start a routine. I think about running long and hard, almost everyday. I imagine the wind blowing my hair, my feet gracefully landing with each step while Carl Lewis and Steve Prefontaine watch me whiz by, both shedding a single tear of awe as they look to me for inspiration.

You can visualize whatever you like – I prefer to remain humble.

If Kristen Tornoe were an object, she’d be a breath of fresh air.

Here’s this month’s cartoon, drawn by the stupendous Gary McCoy:

AT-AT day afternoon from Patrick Boivin on Vimeo.

I decided to dust off my love of our natural world and give you some strange animal facts. I’m still paying off my student loans and I wouldn’t want those four years to be for naught. Who knows, if you read this entire article, maybe you’ll even learn something.

For every person there are roughly 200 million insects.

We don’t notice them too much because we’re usually too wrapped up in our own existence. I guess some people think paying taxes and getting a bikini wax is more interesting than the roughly 400,000 known species of beetles found in the world. Just like most of us don’t care about them, they probably think we’re just a bunch of dumb, hairless apes that are good for a meal.

One of my 200 million insects decided to take a romp in my salad the other day. What I thought was a cube of green pepper really was a green stink bug that almost met its demise via my molars. Yes, after I flung it out with my knife, I ate the rest of the salad.

Hey, insect community, if you actually cared and weren’t so callous, I saved one of your brethren from a horrible death. You’re welcome.

To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.

That’s a strange way to get a crocodile from chomping on your limbs. Personally, I find it soothing when someone jabs me in the eyes with their thumbs. Nothing quite lets you know how much someone cares like a good poke in the eye. I guess this is more proof that animals are stupid and humans are superior.

Ancient Egyptians used crocodile dung as a contraceptive.

Who would want to do it with a vag filled with poop? Chances of getting pregnant were virtually 0% but there’s always some freak who’s into weird crap.

And no, please do not pardon that pun. It was 100% intentional. English teachers, feel free to use this in your next lesson, but I would recommend blacking-out the bad words.

Spotted hyena females have a pseudo-penis (read: extra-large clitoris) that is used for copulation, urination and birth.

Hopefully, they don’t do all three at the same time, but if they do, I’m sure you can find it on Youtube.

I actually learned this fun factoid in my Animal Behavior class in college. The class was absolutely fascinating, but the textbook had a photo of a female hyena and her pseudo-penis. Needless to say, I’ve had that picture burned into my brain and I see it before I go to sleep every night. No matter how curious you are, don’t look it up because you’ll never be right again if you do.

Male platypuses are venomous. They have spurs on the ankles of their back legs that inject venom to aid in defense.

I didn’t realize that people don’t know obscure animal facts, until I brought platypus poison up casually in a conversation with my husband. He didn’t know what I was talking about, or how it pertained to imperialism, but I had to let my biological elitism subside. You have to do that on occasion when you’re married.

Obviously, his head was spinning when I dropped this bomb and I could tell he was trying to figure out how an already strange creature could get stranger. Personally, I’m a bit jealous. I think human beings are quite pedestrian when it comes to our defense mechanisms. Who wants to spend money on weapons when we could have poison pockets on our ankles?

Skunks can spray up to 10 to 15 feet.

This isn’t earth shattering news and if you didn’t know the exact distance, you would still see the validity with this statement. Just in case you’re inquisitive, I don’t recommend pouring water on them from a second story window. They will spray the hell out of the back of your house. Since skunks don’t respect the art of being a good neighbor, they’ll also spray your neighbor’s house just to make you look like a prick.

If you lived in Dover, New Jersey around 2006 and this happened to you, I have no idea what kind of person would do such a thing, especially knowing what the skunk would do when startled. You have to be a real jerk to dump water on a skunk just to experience nature first hand. Also, Rob made me do it.

Kristen Tornoe doesn’t hate you, but if you were on fire, and she had a glass of water, she’d drink it.

Here’s this month’s cartoon, drawn by the terrific R.J. Matson: